on the differences between california and texas lingo

BWP: So when are y'all coming?

Beardsy: (incredulous) DID YOU JUST SAY Y'ALL?!?

BWP: Yeah, so? Don't people in California say y'all?

Beardsy: NO!

BWP: Well then what the hell do you say when you're referring to a group of people?

Beardsy: "Hey jerks"

on being mentally unstable

BWP: Have you read White Noise? I am right now and it's really good so far. In other news, I'm horribly depressed.

Clover: I have! It's really good. In other news, I'm broke and my life has no meaning!

BWP: God we're sad. We're like Winona and Angelina in Girl, Interrupted. You're Angelina because you're hotter and also a sociopath. I'm Winona because I have lesbian hair and a generally unpleasant disposition.

Today in Texting with BWP & Clover

BWP: It's 3pm and I'm eating Thai food in bed. This text message is the most productive thing I've done all day.

Clover: Kanye Fur loves you! And so do I!

BWP: Have you been drinking?

Clover: No! Also, I didn't drink at all yesterday!

BWP: Your sobriety concerns me. I'm going to start drinking so that our combined sobriety doesn't throw off the universe.

On Being a Southern Girl?

BWP: Omg beardsy i almost ran iumo a wall. Gasoline smells nice. White trash problem7

Inappropriate Civil War Sex Humor!

Clover:  I went to the D & A show at the New Mart this afternoon and was inspired by these boots with shiny old fashioned buttons and decided my new look should be Sexy Confederate Soldier.  I felt like you would be behind this.

Male Friend: Wow, I guess I'll have to oust Stonewall Jackson, my long-standing Sexy Confederate posterboy.  If you can work in a long gray beard somewhere you got the gig.

Clover: Stonewall?  And here I thought you liked to hate cum on Ulysses S. Grant's face.  Shows what I know.

Male Friend: Now I gotta jerk off to that.  Thanks a lot!

Clover: No no.  Go back to antebellum hoop skirts with no panties underneath and delicate fainting at the sight of large "members".

Male Friend:  Too late I just bukkaked a 50 dollar bill.

On True Love Forever

Clover: I LOVE YOU!

BWP: Hahaha.  I love you too!  What did I do to deserve your glorious love?

Clover: How do I even count thy ways?  You are like a margarita happy hour and a xanax cupcake all in one hot bitch.

BWP: You make me blush, wondertits.

On housesitting for your Ex

Ex: Found some princess panties here.  Are they yours?

Clover: I don't think so.  I did all my laundry at [redacted's] and princess monogram doesn't sound familiar.  I had some pillow fights with Amber Heard while you were away so I'll ask her.

Ex: White with pink letters.  Maybe I'll just eat them.

Clover: Those are definitely Amber's.  And she just said she definitely wants you to eat them.