Monday, August 10, 2009

on the differences between california and texas lingo

BWP: So when are y'all coming?

Beardsy: (incredulous) DID YOU JUST SAY Y'ALL?!?

BWP: Yeah, so? Don't people in California say y'all?

Beardsy: NO!

BWP: Well then what the hell do you say when you're referring to a group of people?

Beardsy: "Hey jerks"

Sunday, August 9, 2009

on being mentally unstable

Have you read White Noise? I am right now and it's really good so far. In other news, I'm horribly depressed.

Clover: I have! It's really good. In other news, I'm broke and my life has no meaning!

BWP: God we're sad. We're like Winona and Angelina in Girl, Interrupted. You're Angelina because you're hotter and also a sociopath. I'm Winona because I have lesbian hair and a generally unpleasant disposition.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Today in Texting with BWP & Clover

BWP: It's 3pm and I'm eating Thai food in bed. This text message is the most productive thing I've done all day.

Clover: Kanye Fur loves you! And so do I!

BWP: Have you been drinking?

Clover: No! Also, I didn't drink at all yesterday!

BWP: Your sobriety concerns me. I'm going to start drinking so that our combined sobriety doesn't throw off the universe.

Monday, June 15, 2009

On Being a Southern Girl?

BWP: Omg beardsy i almost ran iumo a wall. Gasoline smells nice. White trash problem7

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Inappropriate Civil War Sex Humor!

Clover:  I went to the D & A show at the New Mart this afternoon and was inspired by these boots with shiny old fashioned buttons and decided my new look should be Sexy Confederate Soldier.  I felt like you would be behind this.

Male Friend: Wow, I guess I'll have to oust Stonewall Jackson, my long-standing Sexy Confederate posterboy.  If you can work in a long gray beard somewhere you got the gig.

Clover: Stonewall?  And here I thought you liked to hate cum on Ulysses S. Grant's face.  Shows what I know.

Male Friend: Now I gotta jerk off to that.  Thanks a lot!

Clover: No no.  Go back to antebellum hoop skirts with no panties underneath and delicate fainting at the sight of large "members".

Male Friend:  Too late I just bukkaked a 50 dollar bill.

Friday, June 12, 2009

On True Love Forever

Clover: I LOVE YOU!

BWP: Hahaha.  I love you too!  What did I do to deserve your glorious love?

Clover: How do I even count thy ways?  You are like a margarita happy hour and a xanax cupcake all in one hot bitch.

BWP: You make me blush, wondertits.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

On housesitting for your Ex

Ex: Found some princess panties here.  Are they yours?

Clover: I don't think so.  I did all my laundry at [redacted's] and princess monogram doesn't sound familiar.  I had some pillow fights with Amber Heard while you were away so I'll ask her.

Ex: White with pink letters.  Maybe I'll just eat them.

Clover: Those are definitely Amber's.  And she just said she definitely wants you to eat them.

On Services Provided by Google

BWP: Clover. Why does tequila exist? Why does Gmail save Gchat conversations? WHY AM I READING?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

On Pseudo-Employment

BWP: It's two pm and I'm taking my cat to the vet while drunk. Is this unemployment?

Clover: Yes.

I went to the grocery store and bought mainly alcohol because traffic got me in a bad mood. About to bust open a rolling rock.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

On Kolaches. I think.

Rs27: "I'm at the mort prentdniour bar in la. it stinks. wherf the kadhes at?"

BWP: "Kalaches?! Those have meat ew im eating rice w one eye jvst saw a racoon its weird"

Thursday, May 28, 2009

On the Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

Jacques: I never saw Slumdog Millionaire.  What does that mean?

Clover: I never did either.  I blame white people freaking out about the annoying soundtrack for six months.

Jacques: So awful.  I couldn't believe how annoying that music was.

Clover: I KNOW.  I was all, Jai Ho-w fast is this gonna be on "Stuff White People Like?"

Jacques: Jai-NO!

Clover: That just made my coal heart shimmer.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

On Aziz Ansari

Rs27:  Some guy just asked me my thoughts on the tamil tigers in Sri Lanka.  I gave a dissertation on cows in India.  #diffusinganawkwardsituation

Clover: You should have just said Aziz Ansari is Tamil and he is like rawr!  And just left it at that.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

On Christian Bale

Clover: Is it weird that I decided to see Night at the Museum instead of Terminator Salvation as I'd planned?  And that watching it I still don't understand this decision.

BWP: Any movie where things come to life is always guaranteed to rule.  Although you chose it over a movie with Christian Bale, which confuses me.

Clover: I just wasn't feeling the apocalypse.  But believe you me I always choose to have Christian Bale over me.

BWP: I would like for him to terminate me like an American psycho in bed in the middle of the dark (k)night.

Clover: More like Terminator SALIVATION.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

On getting back in touch

Clover: I am now following you on Twitter.  What WHAT.

Friend:  Yes!  I almost texted you a few times last week.  But thought it might be too out of the blue.

Clover: Ha ha ha.  How do you circumvent that?  You shoulda been all, "this is a pre-text.  Real texting to follow next week once you let it all soak in."  I'm gonna start doing that to people.

On Educating Others

"maybe is yes in swahili"

Thursday, May 21, 2009

On Bullying Others

"Whatever leprobhaun! I just fought a guy!"

On Lame Parties

"youre still there? eating goldfish? welcome to sesame street"

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

On Impressing Strangers

Friend: CLOVER.  I made out with my ex last night.  She's a whore.  I may have herpes.

Clover: I just showed your text to a dude I just met to prove I had the Funniest Friends In The World, but now I think I just proved I have whore friends with possible herpes.

Monday, May 18, 2009

On Impaired Vision

"can you jell i typed this w one eye open only like cyclops"

Saturday, May 16, 2009

On Mental Health

Clover: If seratonin could talk to me it would say "I want no part of your life, bitch." or at least that's what I think it would say since i haven't seen it around these parts since 'Nam.

BWP:  Seratonin?  Happiness?  Not crying alone in bathroom stalls?  Im not familiar with these fairytales of which you speak.

Clover: Weeping over the steering wheel to a shitty Fray song?  This isn't everyone's afternoon ritual?

BWP: Fact: I have actually done that.  Fact: It was yesterday.  This message will self-destruct.  Just like me!

Clover: If we were rappers we could spit "Ima self-destruct like a message" and that would sound more bad ass/less cry for help-ish.

BWP: I say we do it.  It will be number one on itunes.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

When I get that feeling, I want Textual Healing.

Don’t let anyone fool you; the Great American Pastime isn’t baseball. It’s booze.

It’s no secret that some of the greatest pieces of literature were penned after the writer drank a generous amount of "firewater". Just take Bukowski, Poe, and Hemingway, and that's only naming a few. I mean, you can’t possibly tell me that you think Macbeth was written while Shakespeare was stone-cold sober, can you? Please.

However, we now live in a world where wit is often limited to 140 characters or less. Text messaging is an integral part of our lives and, while most of us have lost the urge to handwrite ten page letters, we still haven’t shaken the overwhelming desire to connect with those near and dear to us through the written word.

This is where drunk texting comes in.

You’re walking home from the bar, inebriated and alone, when suddenly you have an epiphany about why Donald Duck never wore pants. But who can you tell? Who, I ask you?? You pull out your cell phone and type out a text message to a friend you know will understand. Sure, you use too many exclamation points and spell a few things incorrectly. Never mind. All that matters is that your Very Important Thought was not lost on the desolate city streets at 4 in the morning, to be forgotten by the time you rouse from your drunken slumber the following afternoon.

When we first began e-mailing each other a few months back, we hit it off instantly. Bonding over a mutual love for happy hour, funny Jewish guys, and antiquated jargon, it wasn’t long before we exchanged numbers and started text messaging on a consistent basis. As a result of our shared appreciation for The Booze, many of our text messages were scribed while under the influence of a few glasses of wine or occasionally an entire pitcher of margaritas. (Kidding. Maybe.)

Throw a few other bloggers in the mix and suddenly every night we were makin' it rain like Lil Wayne at a strip club. We decided it was high time to share these precious little gems with the world. They got so lonely by themselves in the inbox. And there's no need to have a lonely inbox when you've got textual healing.

And so this blog was born.


BWP and Clover