Inappropriate Civil War Sex Humor!

Clover:  I went to the D & A show at the New Mart this afternoon and was inspired by these boots with shiny old fashioned buttons and decided my new look should be Sexy Confederate Soldier.  I felt like you would be behind this.

Male Friend: Wow, I guess I'll have to oust Stonewall Jackson, my long-standing Sexy Confederate posterboy.  If you can work in a long gray beard somewhere you got the gig.

Clover: Stonewall?  And here I thought you liked to hate cum on Ulysses S. Grant's face.  Shows what I know.

Male Friend: Now I gotta jerk off to that.  Thanks a lot!

Clover: No no.  Go back to antebellum hoop skirts with no panties underneath and delicate fainting at the sight of large "members".

Male Friend:  Too late I just bukkaked a 50 dollar bill.

On housesitting for your Ex

Ex: Found some princess panties here.  Are they yours?

Clover: I don't think so.  I did all my laundry at [redacted's] and princess monogram doesn't sound familiar.  I had some pillow fights with Amber Heard while you were away so I'll ask her.

Ex: White with pink letters.  Maybe I'll just eat them.

Clover: Those are definitely Amber's.  And she just said she definitely wants you to eat them.

On the Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack

Jacques: I never saw Slumdog Millionaire.  What does that mean?

Clover: I never did either.  I blame white people freaking out about the annoying soundtrack for six months.

Jacques: So awful.  I couldn't believe how annoying that music was.

Clover: I KNOW.  I was all, Jai Ho-w fast is this gonna be on "Stuff White People Like?"

Jacques: Jai-NO!

Clover: That just made my coal heart shimmer.

On Aziz Ansari

Rs27:  Some guy just asked me my thoughts on the tamil tigers in Sri Lanka.  I gave a dissertation on cows in India.  #diffusinganawkwardsituation

Clover: You should have just said Aziz Ansari is Tamil and he is like rawr!  And just left it at that.

On getting back in touch

Clover: I am now following you on Twitter.  What WHAT.

Friend:  Yes!  I almost texted you a few times last week.  But thought it might be too out of the blue.

Clover: Ha ha ha.  How do you circumvent that?  You shoulda been all, "this is a pre-text.  Real texting to follow next week once you let it all soak in."  I'm gonna start doing that to people.

On Impressing Strangers

Friend: CLOVER.  I made out with my ex last night.  She's a whore.  I may have herpes.

Clover: I just showed your text to a dude I just met to prove I had the Funniest Friends In The World, but now I think I just proved I have whore friends with possible herpes.